Seven years
by Claire O'Mack
Summary: After all that is said and done, can the boundaries between them be breached? Seven years is after all a long time. Post End game


Now I am not usually a J/C shipper, but this just came into my head and wouldn't go away. Once that happens I have to write it down. Please be aware that the whole C/7 thing has been completely ignored, much like it should have been done on the show. Enjoy

SEVEN YEARS

Kathryn Janeway sat at her mothers writing desk, the only illumination, a single candle flickering in the slight breeze coming from the open window. The smell of the apple orchid filled her nostrils as she sighed deeply. Tapping the pen against the ancient oak of the desk, Kathryn paused in her latest edition of her diary. The practice of writing itself almost as old as the desk, and yet it for filled her far more than simply regurgitating her thoughts into a log. As she paused now and took in the sent from the window and bathed in the soft summer Indiana breeze, Kathryn thought back to her time spent in Davinchi's workshop on Voyager.

They had only been back for a single week, and yet she missed her ship terribly, far more than Kathryn ever thought she would. She had spent so long with only a single goal, to get her ship and crew home, now she had what she wanted it had left a large empty space inside her. Determined not to fall into the trap of self pity, and perhaps more apparent, loneness, Kathryn turned back to her diary and began scribbling down her thoughts on the up coming gala.

Stuck somewhere between loathing the idea, and excited to see all her crew once more, Kathryn was interrupted by a knock at the door. She was quite certain it was not her mother. Not only did she have a key, and wouldn't knock on the door to her own house, but she was also not expected back tonight. Kathryn had insisted to her mother that she go out with her friends to watch a new play, and then go and see the sights the next day. It had in fact taken some time to convince her mother that she would be perfectly fine alone. Having not seen each other for seven years, one single week had Kathryn almost regretting coming back at all. Now sat peaceful and quite, someone had other intentions for Kathryn's evening.

Standing up, and feeling slightly stiff from sitting still for so long. Kathryn briefly thought about her advancing years as she walked towards her mothers front door. Pulling it open and standing for a moment in silence she watched as a very familiar face stared straight back at her.

"Kathryn." Chakotay said his voice virtually purring out her name as he waited on her porch for her to invite him in.

"Chakotay, I thought you might be in town for the Gala, your early." Kathryn said stepping aside and without words bid him entrance. He walked passed her and Kathryn caught his familiar sent, it mingled with the sent of the apples and wet grass beyond her door, and yet it was even more calming than the smells of home. The thought crossed her mind as she closed the door behind them, it was something else she had not expected upon their return. She thought Earth was all she needed, she had fought with everything she had to make it happen. Broken rules to get them here, and yet Chakotay's presents here was more like coming home, than the actual event itself.

"Can I get you a drink?" Kathryn asked walking through the house and leading Chakotay into the kitchen.

"Its a little late for coffee for me." Chakotay said with a soft smile, as Kathryn picked up the pot and held it out for him.

"Point taken, but I do have tea if you would like that." Kathryn said glancing at the chronometer.

"Tea would be lovely." Chakotay said, Kathryn watched as he took a seat at her mothers table. He looked different. Kathryn couldn't quite put her finger on what it was, she would almost call it sadness, but that somehow didn't quite seem to fit. Pouring the tea Kathryn brought both cups over to the table and took a seat opposite her former XO.

"So what brings you here?" Kathryn asked almost flippantly, as she saw Chakotay pause with the tea cup at his lips.

"I wanted to come and see how you were doing." Chakotay replied as Kathryn blew on her own tea to cool it. It wasn't exactly a revelation, what Chakotay had said and she chose to take it at face value.

"Well its only been a week, but don't think I don't appreciate the visit." Kathryn replied with a small smile. She watched as Chakotay's face drew up in a return smile, but it fell from his face quickly. Concerned, Kathryn placed her cup on the table and reached out her hand towards his. To her eternal shock he moved himself out of her reach.

"Now I know something bothering you, what's wrong Chakotay?" Kathryn asked leaning forward to now, as Chakotay almost seemed to shrink in his chair.

"A long time ago, I decided not to continue with the Federation, I gave up my commission and fought for a cause I truly believed in. Now I find myself right back where I started." Chakotay paused to look up into Kathryn's eyes, for a moment they locked together and the air seemed to crackle. Kathryn wondered if they were due a thunderstorm, or whether it was just her present company that was creating all this tension.

"So this is about finding a cause to believe in." Kathryn asked, slightly unsure as to what Chakotay was getting at.

"No, but I have realised one thing, I can't believe in Star fleet, I don't know if I ever did." With Chakotay's admission Kathryn leant back in her chair and folded her arms. It was wrong of her to feel angry at what he was saying, she knew this, but she couldn't help the deep sense of hurt that now pooled at the pit of her stomach.

"Star fleet got us home Chakotay, their principals, their prime directive, something I thought you believed in." Kathryn said her words coming out somewhat sharper than she had intended, yet she did not regret it.

"No Kathryn you got us home, your drive, your morals. I followed you, not them." Chakotay lent forward in his chair now, whatever had been bothering him had obviously passed, and now as he had done before, he was going to stand by his convictions.

"The only way I will ever get back on board a Star fleet vessel is if you were Captaining it, and that is something I am not sure I could do again either." Chakotay finished a little quieter, his resolve crumbling slightly as Kathryn watched him closely. She had known this man more intimately in some ways than any lover she had ever had, they had spent seven years together, and yet now she couldn't read anything in his face except expectation.

"What are you trying to tell me?" Kathryn said finally feeling like she was waiting for the other shoe to drop, and that she wouldn't relish the experience. For a moment Chakotay was also silent, he hadn't stopped looking at her, and yet didn't really seem to be seeing her either.

"For seven years I followed you Kathryn, I supported you, I respected you, and now I am tired. I can't live in the shadow of what might have been any more, the only way I can do that is to leave, I am going to give up my commission and go back home." Chakotay said and this time Kathryn almost dropped her cup, she had not been expecting this from him of all people. B'Elanna maybe, Tom perhaps, but Chakotay never. She had been secretly hoping that they could command another ship together, but now her world crumbled around her, leaving her with nothing but this empty house, to go with her empty dreams.

"You can't." She whispered as Chakotay sat there and watched her. Hearing her whispered words he lent even further forward, and this time it was Kathryn's turn to pull away from his offered hand.

"You can't order me any more Kathryn, so I can." He said now also feeling the rejection, it was a fairly familiar feeling when it came to his former Capitan, and there for Chakotay knew how to deal with it. At least better than Kathryn did, bit it still hurt, almost as much as leaving her would.

"I know I can't order you Chakotay, don't you think I am painfully aware of that fact, I mean this as your friend, don't throw away this chance you have been given, don't go back to that angry warier you told me about so long ago." Kathryn implored, hoping to bring back some pleasant memories for him, but all it seemed to do was strengthen his resolve.

"Those days are long gone Kathryn, you of all people should know that." Chakotay intoned, almost like he wanted to say something else, but stopped himself at the last minute. Kathryn was having none of it, if he was simply going to leave them, leave her then she needed to hear the truth.

"Tell me why really Chakotay, tell me why you have to go." This time she dropped her voice, looked him in the eye and for the first time pleaded with him silently for something she could not voice out loud.

"Tell you why I am leaving, or tell you why I am leaving you." Chakotay said, knowing exactly what she was trying to say, but needing to here it from her anyway. Kathryn's eyebrows closed in a slight frown, usually Chakotay would have just given in, and at least told her something she wanted to here, now he was almost out right challenging her to bring their somewhat complicated relationship out into the open.

"You know dam well what I mean Chakotay, what is this one final argument for the road, before you disappear out of my life forever, or is it just clarification of what you thought you knew?" Kathryn bit back, she could feel her pulse start to race now, her hands clenched tightly against her biceps, arms still folded as she waited for an absolution that may never come. Chakotay however was slightly shocked by her words, he had not expected such venom to come from her, sure he knew this wasn't going to be easy, and that she would try and convince him to stay, but this was beyond what he had prepared for.

"I never wanted to argue with you Kathryn, for seven years I never wanted that." He replied in all honesty as the red head before him seemed to soften a little before placing both hands on the table and pushing herself away.

"Then leave Chakotay, I wish you well." Kathryn said turning her back on him and walking towards the kitchen counter to place her mug in the recycler. Chakotay sat for a moment, but there was no way he was going to leave it like that. Oh sure he could get up, walk out of the door and start a new life, forget about Voyager, forget about Kathryn Janeway, but he knew it was never going to be that simple.

"One last time." He said mainly to himself, and as far as he could tell Kathryn did not here him, she was staring out of the window, her thoughts far away as he moved closer to her. Standing directly behind her now, looking up at the silent unmoving stars, Chakotay was almost back on Voyager, in her ready room. On which occasion he knew not what, but the same feelings that always arose in him were still there. The logging was almost a constant, especially when he saw her at her most vulnerable. Usually in the dimmed light of her ready room, pondering a decision, or thinking about a cause of action. The lust which reared itself on occasion as the light silhouetted her frame and made his eyes wonder down her body. And then there was the love, a deep hidden love that had been there almost from the start. It was never one thing that he could put his finger on, it was just the woman, flaws and all that he wanted.

"Did you ever, even for one moment think of me as anything but your friend and first officer." Chakotay said into the darkness of the room. He had not noticed the low lightening before now, but somehow it seemed darker, more appropriate for this kind of conversation. Kathryn did not turn to face him, fear in some part kept her looking out of the window, watching the corn sway in the breeze. Mostly she couldn't look at him, for she knew if she did she would be unable to lie to him.

"For a moment perhaps, but in the end that's what you were, and you were the best friend and first officer I could have had." Kathryn replied finally as Chakotay's hand landed on her shoulder. It made her jump. Her breath catching as he forced her to turn and look at him.

"And now, now after seven years and seventy thousand light years, what do you think about me now?" Chakotay said his heart pounding harder that it ever had done before. For a moment he thought it may just explode from his chest upon waiting for her answer.

"I still think of you as my best friend, and I wouldn't want to loose you from my life." Kathryn said now unable to hold back the truth, whether it was the setting or his proximity she did not know, but the words seemed to spill from her lips like wine at a wedding.

"And there in lies the problem Kathryn, I cannot continue to live a lie, I did it for seven years so that we could get Voyager home. Now I am tired of pretending, I know what I want from you, I also know that even now you still don't feel the same." Kathryn could see the unshed tears in his eyes, even in the low lighting of her mothers kitchen. Kathryn had realised a long time ago that they had both made sacrifices for the greater good. Which one of them had made the greater one was unclear. For better or worse Kathryn had ignored Chakotay's loss, she had pushed it aside hoping that it would simply go away. She could not and would not think of him in any other way than that of her first officer. To her eternal shame she had failed on a few occasions. Her lonely and disobedient brain had wondered, more than once on those seven years, to thoughts unbecoming a Star fleet Captain. But that had been her sacrifice, to be alone, to stand against anything the Delta quadrant had thrown at them, and protect her crew.

"I don't know how to be anything but alone." Kathryn said out loud now, her thoughts finally coming to the surface, leaving Chakotay slightly confused at first.

"You knew how to be loved once, I could show you again." Chakotay finally said, realising what Kathryn was trying to say, knowing that in the end even Star fleet Captain's got afraid, even if they didn't want to admit it. Kathryn looked at him now, really looked at him for the first time that evening. There was no anger on her face, or shock, just simple curiosity as he looked back down at her.

"You are far more stubborn and tenacious than I ever gave you credit for Chakotay." Kathryn finally said, stepping slightly forward so they were now mere inches apart.

"Well I had a good teacher." He replied with a slight smile, now caught off balance by her proximity, and what he could only describe as pure Janeway sent.

"I am glad that in seven years you at least learnt something." Kathryn replied with a rye smile that fell off her face quickly as the conversation took on a more serious tone.

"I lied to you earlier, I did think of you in ways beyond the simple confines of Capitan and first officer, and I did struggle with it, but there was always a clear boundary for us, I know, you knew that also."Kathryn said as she took one of her hands in his. It seemed so large now, so all encompassing that she almost backed away. Kathryn forced herself to stand still, she was not someone who back away from things that frightened her, things that she ultimately knew she would have to face sooner or later.

"And now there are no boundary's?" Chakotay replied also looking down at their joined hands and grasping hold a little tighter.

"Now I think we should see what happens." Kathryn said standing on her tip toes and kissing the tattoo above his eyebrow. It was a sweet gesture, not exactly the passionate kiss that Chakotay had longed for, but it was a step in the right direction. As Kathryn moved away, not letting go of Chakotay's hand, he followed her.

"How about we go for a walk, it is a beautiful evening." Kathryn said pulling open the door and moving onto the porch.

"I would love to." Chakotay replied as he looked up at the moon, before turning his attention back to Kathryn who was headed down the steps and out towards the open corn fields. She smiled back at him, squeezed his hand and placed her head on his shoulder as he moved up to join her.

"You know I am all for taking things slow, but let's not wait another seven years." Chakotay said looking down at her now, the moon casting her in a pale glow as her eyes closed slightly and she moved towards him.

Kathryn lent forward and stood up on her tip toes once more. This time placing her lips at his ear and saying. "Don't worry seven years was a long time for me too."

I hope you enjoyed that, all feedback is welcomed, I am not however a usual J/C shipper so I do hope my effort was not too cheesy or out of character. Thank you for reading XxX


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